Anticipatory Grief: Mourning Before the Loss Happens

Anticipatory grief is one of those experiences that people rarely talk about. In my experience, almost everyone who goes through it feels guilty, confused, or “wrong” for feeling the way they do.
It’s the grief that shows up before the loss.
When you know something is coming.
When the goodbye has already begun, even though the person is still here.

This often happens with terminal illness, dementia, aging parents, chronic medical conditions, or long, slow relational endings. It can even happen with major life transitions, like a child leaving home, a marriage fading, or the slow unraveling of a relationship you’ve been trying to hold together.

Why It Feels So Strange

Anticipatory grief is confusing because it blends two emotional realities at once:

• The person is still here

• But you’re already losing them

You start grieving the future reality while also trying to stay present. You may notice moments of sadness, fear, relief, resentment, overwhelm, or even numbness. This doesn’t mean you’ve given up on them. Your nervous system is trying to prepare you for what’s coming.

The “Parts” That Show Up

During anticipatory grief, many different parts of you may emerge:

• The Planner – the part trying to anticipate every detail, stay organized, and stay ahead emotionally.

• The Hopeful Part – holding onto every small sign of improvement or possibility.

• The Protector – the part that shuts down or distances to avoid feeling the full weight of what’s happening.

• The Angry Part – angry at the situation, the unfairness, or even the person who is suffering.

• The Guilty Part – questioning whether you’re doing enough, caring enough, or being grateful enough.

• The Younger Part – the childlike part terrified of losing someone who represents safety or belonging.

All of these parts are normal. They’re your system’s way of trying to handle something incredibly heavy.

Trauma Makes Anticipatory Grief Even More Intense

If you have a trauma history, especially attachment trauma or past losses, anticipatory grief can hit harder.

Your nervous system might begin grieving the old losses too, not just the one that you know is coming.
It can stir up fears of abandonment, helplessness, and not being enough.
You might find yourself over-functioning, people-pleasing, withdrawing, or emotionally bracing for the moment the shoe finally drops.

None of this means you’re coping “wrong.”
It means your brain and body remember what loss feels like, and they’re trying to soften the blow.

What Helps

• Name it. Simply acknowledging “I’m grieving something that hasn’t happened yet” can bring relief.

• Let your parts speak. Each part is carrying a valid worry, fear, or hope—they all deserve space.

• Stay connected. Spend time with the person while they’re still here in whatever way feels authentic.

• Allow conflicting feelings. It’s okay to feel grateful one moment and resentful the next.

• Give yourself permission to rest. Anticipatory grief is exhausting because it is chronic, prolonged emotional labor.

You Are Not Doing This Wrong

There’s no “right way” to handle anticipatory grief.
You’re not betraying your loved one by feeling sad early.
You’re not weak for crying before the loss.
You’re not heartless for feeling relieved when suffering decreases.
You’re human, reacting to something unbelievably hard