Helping Children Through Grief: What They Need, What’s Normal, and What to Say

Children are often the forgotten grievers. Adults get the casseroles, the check-ins, the long hugs. Kids get told “be strong,” “be brave,” or “be good for Mommy.” Sometimes the adults are so deeply impacted by the loss that they aren’t actually able to be their for the grieving child. Children grieve just as deeply as adults, they just show it differently.

Grief for a child isn’t one long stretch of sadness. It comes in waves. They may cry for ten minutes, then run outside to play like nothing happened. This doesn’t mean they’re “fine.” It means their brains can only handle grief in small, developmentally appropriate doses.

Supporting a grieving child isn’t about having perfect answers. Show up with honesty and language their brain can actually understand.

Grief at Different Ages

Below is a quick guide to what is developmentally normal and how kids tend to understand death at each stage.

Ages 0–3: Toddlers

• Understanding: They don’t understand death as permanent. They notice absence and changes in emotional energy.

• Common reactions: Regression (sleep, toileting, speech), clinginess, irritability, disrupted routines.

• What helps: Consistency, simple statements (“Daddy died. He can’t come back.”), lots of physical comfort.

Ages 4–7: Early Childhood

• Understanding: They see death as reversible, like in cartoons. They may ask the same question repeatedly because they’re trying to make sense of it.

• Common reactions:

  • Magical thinking (“Did I cause this?”)

  • Behavioral changes

  • Big feelings but short bursts of grief

  • Fears of abandonment

• What helps:

  • Reassurance that the death wasn’t their fault

  • Predictable routines

  • Concrete language (“Her body stopped working.”)

Ages 8–12: Middle Childhood

• Understanding: They understand death is final but may not have the emotional tools to process it.

• Common reactions:

  • Questions about the details

  • School problems

  • Anger, mood swings

  • Growing awareness of existential fears

• What helps:

  • Honest answers to their questions

  • Space to express anger or confusion

  • Involvement in rituals (funerals, photos, writing notes.)

Teens

• Understanding: Adult-level understanding, but emotions are intense and identity-based.

• Common reactions:

  • Pulling away or isolating

  • Feeling responsible for supporting the family

  • Risk-taking or acting out

  • Difficulty talking about feelings

• What helps:

  • Respect for their autonomy

  • Validation rather than fixing

  • Reminders that it’s not their job to be the adult

What NOT to Say to a Grieving Child (and What to Say Instead)

❌ “He/She went to sleep.”

This creates fear of bedtime, anesthesia, naps, etc.
Say: “He/She died. When a person dies, their body stops working and they don’t wake up.”

❌ “He/She is in a better place.”

This can be confusing or scary, and some kids interpret it as abandonment.
Say: “We can’t see him/her anymore, but we can still love and remember him/her.”

❌ “ He/she was sick.”

Children take things literally. When you say “Daddy was sick,” they often hear:

• “If I get sick, will I die too?”

• “If Mommy gets sick, will she disappear?”

• “Does a cold mean someone goes away forever?”

This can create intense fear around everyday illnesses—fevers, stomach bugs, even allergies.

Say: “He/She had an illness that doctors couldn’t fix. His/her body stopped working, and he/she died.”

This:

• separates normal sickness from life-threatening conditions

• gives them concrete, accurate information

• lowers anxiety and magical thinking

• teaches them they can ask questions safely

You can add:
“Most sicknesses don’t make people die. When we get colds, fevers, or stomach bugs, our bodies get better. This was a different kind of illness.”.”

❌ “Be strong for Mommy/Daddy.”

This makes the child suppress their emotions.
Say: “It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel however you feel. We’re going to get through this together.”

❌ “Don’t be sad.” / “You’re okay.”

This minimizes their experience.
Say: “I can see you’re feeling sad. I’m right here with you.”

❌ Avoiding the topic entirely

Silence makes kids fill in the blanks with fear.
Say: “Do you have any questions? I will always tell you the truth.”

How to Support a Grieving Child

1. Be honest, simple, and concrete

Kids need clear, literal language. Euphemisms create fear, confusion, and mistrust.

2. Let them revisit their grief repeatedly

Children re-grieve as they grow. Something that made sense at age 6 means something completely different at age 12.

3. Maintain routine

Predictability creates safety. Even small rituals like snacks or bedtime routines help regulate the nervous system.

4. Play is their language

Children express grief through:

• sand tray

• art

• acting out scenarios

• dolls or action figures

• stories

Often, they show grief through behavior before words.

5. Regulate yourself first

A child’s nervous system mirrors the adults around them. You don’t have to hide your feelings, just express them in a way that will help the child feel safe.

6. Invite questions—over and over

Expect the same questions many times. Repetition is how kids integrate reality.

7. Let them participate when appropriate

Saying goodbye, creating a memory box, picking a photo for a service all help them process.

The Biggest Reminder: Children Deserve To Be Included, Not Protected From Reality

Adults often avoid talking about death with kids because they want to protect them. I totally get it, the intentions are good. At the same time, what protects a child is:

• truth

• connection

• emotional availability

• routines

• a safe adult who can manage their feelings

Children are not too fragile to grieve.
They are too fragile to grieve alone.